They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
