im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
