Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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