never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
