If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
