Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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