I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i would one night stand the shit outta him
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.