a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
