Soap is not a condiment
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
