Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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