somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
