I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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