i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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