she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You were trust falling into bushes
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
