Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
