How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The adults are the big ones right?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
