All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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