I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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