If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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