I just saw a hot homeless man
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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