Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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