you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
