I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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