Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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