Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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