we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
