Old men and throwing up are my life now.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
