I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
