I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
