i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
