i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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