He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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