at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
