Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
