Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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