Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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