Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
