Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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