I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize