I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
