my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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