ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
