Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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