Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
