Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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