i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
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3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
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I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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