if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
