I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
