There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
