It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
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you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
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There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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