but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
