Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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