He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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