morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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