Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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