I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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