I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just invented taco cereal.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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