Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
