your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
